Trying for a baby

Both of our boys were very much planned.
Mase took us a long time to fall pregnant with. Before we had him. We had two miscarriages before we fell pregnant with Mason.

When you are actively trying for a baby it consumes you. It's all you can think about. Every baby you see makes your heart hurt. Every time someone you love announces a pregnancy you are so happy for them but so sad for yourself. You always question why is it so hard for me to fall pregnant. You hate your body for letting you down so much.

I would track my cycles. Pounce on my husband when I was ovulating and then spend the next 2 weeks symptom spotting. I was on babycentre pretty much daily with all the other lovely ladies in my situation and speak to them. I would start taking pregnancy tests from about 8 dpo (days past ovulation) weirdly the only time I have been scared to take a pregnancy test has been when I am actually pregnant. Like my mind already knew our lives were about to change.
It was exhausting mentally. Luke hadn't talking about babies. 1) it was all I wanted to talk about and 2) it would make me sad.

I don't have a obsessive personality as such. But when I really want something then it consumes me. It's all I can think about. Especially situations that I can't control and falling pregnant is very much out of your control.

We tried on and off for 5 years for Mason. Stopping for breaks when it all became to much.
With Eli we were lucky and it only took us 6 months.

Looking back I think it happened when the time was right. I hated that saying. People would say that to me when we were trying. They were trying to be reassuring but honestly it's a kick in the teeth. I think if I could go back in time and tell myself that I still wouldn't of believed me and it still would of consumed me.

We are very lucky to have both the boys and there were so many times I honestly thought it wouldn't happen for us. We could never of afforded IVF and I don't think adoption is a path Luke could of taken. I would of loved to of adopted but know it's not easy and not something everyone can do.

For anyone trying for a baby I know how hard it is. Know you are not alone even though it feels that way at times.

Finding out what school Mason got

So my biggest baby found out what school he will be going to come September. I wanted to document this. Document my feelings on this. Even if it is a little late.

Like most mums I spent my day refreshing the screen whilst seeing loads of Facebook updates from friends saying where there kids got into. We had only put down 3 schools. The first was by far my favourite but was highly unlikely because the catchment area was so small and we live outside of it. Our second choice was my husband's favourite and the most likely school Mase would of got. The other cool thing with this school was my dad went here. So Mase will go to the same school as his grandad.

But still I held out a little hope and hit refresh every hour, cough 5 minutes. We didn't find out until after 5 that evening. It was a long day and such torture. Why doesn't everyone find out at the same time?

Even though he doesn't start until September it still felt like such a big milestone for my baby. He only goes to nursery 3 mornings a week at the moment and the rest of the time he is with me and his baby brother. He seems so small still. I know so many people who say there kids are ready. I wouldn't put Mason in that category but I know he will enjoy it. It's me that isn't ready. I honestly wasn't prepared for the time to go so fast. Ready for him to be a real big boy. He tells me daily he isn't a baby but we have agreed on him always being my baby. He also asks me every morning how tall he is and if he is an adult yet. No no no baby boy. Don't rush growing up. Stay small and innocent forever.

He learns new things daily and honestly makes me so proud to be his mummy.

Although it was only an email it felt like a big milestone for my baby. I think I will have a lot of emotional moments between now and then. I also know I will cry that day just like I cried when he started nursery.

Thanks for reading
Jane
XxX

Post baby anxiety

So I stopped writing on here because honestly writing this post alone  us enough to make me feel anxious.

This makes me feel a little ashamed and not good enough thinking about how I have and still can feel at times.
Now I am in a stronger place and think if I type really fast and press post it will make it easier. It's something I really want to share because I feel like it's important that no one feels alone.

After we found out Eli was deaf I feel like I took that news pretty well. Was strong for Eli because that's what my boys needed. We also had so much to do that you don't really have time to sit and just think.

I think me being strong so much in that way let old anxieties creep in. I have always stressed and worried about the future. My husband says I struggle to live in the present and enjoy what we have because I'm always thinking ahead and what's next. I spent a lot of my time worrying about Eli's future that I consciously had to make myself stop and enjoy the now.

I had a lot of social anxiety. I would pack the boys bag ready to go out for the day then start overthinking the process. What happens if Mase runs off and I can't leave the pushchair. People will stare when I take Eli out and he has hearing aids on. People will look at me funny when I am signing to Eli. I would overthink so much that we wouldn't go out. We only went out when we had to if I was by myself. Picking Mase up from nursery. Taking Eli to get new moulds for his hearing aids. Then I would feel guilty the boys weren't going out which made me feel more anxious. It was a big vicious circle.

I didn't let many people in to how I was actually feeling most people would see I am fine. That's what I would tell people so why wouldn't they take me at face value. I would post lovely pictures of the boys so of course everything is fine. I made it look fine because I so wanted to feel fine. There is a saying dress for the job role you want.  Well I was letting the world see how I wanted to feel not how I was feeling.

Eli had a lot of appointments in his early weeks and months that Mase had a lot of sleepovers with my in laws so he didn't have to be in hospital and bored instead he could play and have fun. That's amazing but would make me feel like I was letting Mason down. That I had chosen Eli over him. This is irrational and I know that now but it felt very rational and hard at the time. I would cry leaving him. I'm crying writing this because I remember how vulnerable and raw I felt and no one really knew. I didn't express this to anyone. Leaving the boys is one of my biggest triggers with my anxiety and it's something I am very aware of and work hard on.

My sister in law probably knew the most and was amazing because there was never judgment. I think that's the hardest part to opening up to anyone you feel judged before you say anything. Sometimes it's because they don't understand sometimes because they don't want to. I have always been the emotional one in my family and relationship that quite often it's brushed off as dramatic Jane or emotional Jane. But actually I felt really alone and really lost with all of these feelings.

I am loads better at trying to push myself to go out and do more with the kids alone. Once I'm out it's actually a lot easier and my anxieties start disappear. One of the things that help me is thinking of each small step rather then the whole picture. For example pack the bag. Get The boys ready. Walk down the stairs. Etc. Breaking it down doesn't make it so scary.

It's hard but never feel alone and try to speak to someone if you can. This is probably very wafflley and all over the place but that sums me up pretty well to be fair.

Thank you for reading
Jane