My safe space

So last night for the first time in a long time I had a big panic attack.
I didn't feel anxious before bed was organising family pictures on the laptop and watching Netflix (I am pretty rock and follow that) got into bed closed my eyes and it hit me. It hit me hard.

People who have anxiety/depression/panic attacks all have there own triggers and get affected differently.

My big trigger always has been someone breaking into my home. I was frozen. Convinced someone had got into the flat. I couldn't close my eyes. Just envisioned someone standing over me that it took my breath away.

I was crying where my body felt so scared. In the end I had to wake my husband up and get him to check every room in the flat and lock every window. Even then I couldn't settle. We both ended up in the front room watching Gilmore girls whilst I tried to settle my nerves.

Repeating to myself that this will pass and it did. Mase waking up and needing his mummy also gave me something else to concentrate on. I think my body and mind are both stressed out and that's what brought it on.

My husband doesn't understand panic attacks but he didn't need to he understood that in that moment I needed him and no matter how crazy it felt to him it was very real to me. He woke up very tired for the office today. He really is my safe place. No one on this planet can make my blood boil more then him but no one else can make me feel safer either.

So many people have panic attacks/depression/anxiety but it isn't spoken about. It's a taboo subject still. Please know you're not alone and like all stages it will pass. There is a light at the end of every tunnel.

Night before breast clinic

So it's June 5th. The night before I have to go to the breast clinic for them to check the lump.

I went to the Drs on Thursday 31st May and had a letter on Saturday with the date. The turn around has been amazing. The Dr told me I would be seen in 2 weeks. I never thought it would be this quick. I am thankful for a quick turn around. Less time for my mind to go into overdrive.

I am scared for tomorrow I'm not going to lie. 90% of me really believes that it's nothing. Maybe a cyst or fatty tissue. But then there is that 10% that is gearing myself up for bad news. That small part of my brain that is running wild. After speaking to my mum I found out that practically every female in my family older then me has had breast cancer and all at a young age. The amazing thing is they all kicked cancers butt. I never knew this at the time so didn't mention it to the Dr.

Since Thursday I have felt my boobs so much. I couldn't feel the lump that the Dr did. On Monday I think I found it. I can feel a lump at the top of my left breast but only when standing straight. I'm not sure if this is the lump that the Dr found but will find out Wednesday.

I don't know exactly what tests they are doing. I have googled and there are a few different tests they can do. The main one being a mammogram. This is meant to be a little uncomfortable. I'm telling myself I've had 2 natural labours I can do a couple of seconds of uncomfortableness.

I don't think I get any results Wednesday so will be another wait. Hopefully the results come back as quickly as the actual check.

Will check back in once I know more

Jane
XxX

When the Dr finds a lump and you're only 30

So I have been getting breast aches. Like when you're first pregnant or before you come on a period. Thought nothing of it as it's not uncommon.

I then was getting shooting pains in my left breast. I checked and my nipple looked different. Had what I can only describe as a lumpy rash.
I made a mental note to go to the doctors on my to do list.

I'm only 30 so not expecting it to be anything ominous. I had a feel around and couldn't feel any obvious lumps.
I carried on and was still getting shooting pains through my nipple.
I called my doctors and managed to get an appointment for that day.

The doctor had a feel around and felt a lump in my left breast. Reassuring me she doesn't think it's anything but is referring me to the breast clinic. This is the norm for any new lumps. She thinks my nipple could be mastitis. I never knew that you could get it when not breastfeeding.  I don't have a temperature and my boobs don't feel hot to touch so I'm not convinced it is that.

Since my appointment I have felt my breast about 30 times and can not feel a lump. But if I am honest I really don't know what I am looking for.

Of course you hear that you are being referred you think of the worst and play out all of the scenarios in your head.

I am now waiting for an appointment at the breast clinic and hopefully be told it's nothing.

Thanks for reading
Jane