School Anxiety

So my youngest is only just starting nursery and I am already stressed about school for him.

A school with a hearing impairment wing
Mainstream school
A school for deaf children
Even possibly a school for autism

Eli is his own entity. He isn't a black and white case. He has a lot if people stumped. He is bloody clever and gets across what he wants in his own way. But communicating with speech or sign language has a barrier of some kind there. It's more then just his deafness. We know with his cochlear implants he is hearing and understanding what we are saying. He understands the words yes and no. But more then that he understands the tones in which they are spoken.
He mimics body movement he bloody loves it. It's one of his favorite games. But doesn't mimic words.
He will mimic sign but doesn't use it as a way to communicate

So the idea of my 4 year old possibly not talking and starting school is scary. We have to make decisions soon based on where he is currently at but not knowing where he might be at. You see a year is a long time and a lot can change. But we don't know what them changes might be. Whether he will work through the barrier and speech come along. Or we find a reason for the barrier. The word autism has been mentioned to us a few times not but Eli doesn't present the "typical" signs for autism at the same time. For example his eye contact can be amazing. He will cuddle someone to say sorry for hurting them once he realises there sad. Both not textbook autism signs. But in the other hand he will be all consumed in a task and not acknowledge anyone else is in the room. He will hurt himself when frustrated, he will sensory seel with water, his blanket and big deep cuddles. Because we have a lot unknown how am I suppose to decide where is best when so much is unknown already.

I think writing here is going to be my jumbled thoughts but is going to be a. Great way to get it all out. There isn't going to be great endings or elegant writing. Theres going to be messy ramblings of a mama.

So tomorrow my deaf toddler starts nursery

So tomorrow my youngest baby starts nursery. Now he isn't really a baby. He is 2.5 years old but he is my smallest baby and I'm not ready for this.

Eli was born profoundly deaf. His speech is behind peers his age. He uses limited sign language not because we haven't tried but he doesn't want to use it. Although he does love seeing sign language used.

I worry that he won't be able to get across what he wants and either go without or get cross because he has been misunderstood. I know what he wants. We communicate in a way that words arent needed. I know mostly what he wants when he asks. He gestures. He takes me to what he is asking for. That works at home his big brother is at school and my attention can all be on him. That's not going to be the case with nursery. He will have to learn to wait his turn. To have patience. To maybe communicate in a different way. Now these are all positive things but will be a change to him.

There is a part of me excited. Excited to see how my baby grows. Excited for the possibility that his speech will expand. Excited by the thought of him making friends. But I'm a mum and a mum who suffers from anxiety so I over analyse any situation.

Eli is attending a mainstream nursery. They are not specialised in deaf children and don't know much about deafness. I didn't know much about deafness prior to Eli and honestly we are learning with Eli as we go. I worry that other children will find his excited squels to loud and wont play with him (this has happened at play groups) I worry that Eli will hit out and hurt another child when frustrated. I worry that he will feel isolated being the only person in the room who has cochlear implants on. I worry about leaving Eli and trusting someone else to care for his needs. So far he hasn't been left a lot and has been left with close family only. And even then I need regular updates. I need to know my children are happy. My eldest could tell me this. He could tell me where a bruise had come from. He could tell me he was happy and about his day. Eli isn't there yet and I have to put my faith in someone else to tell me these things.

I know Eli will enjoy it and that this is the right place in my heart but that doesn't stop the worry.

Tomorrow Eli enters a new world a new stage and mummy will plaster a smile on her face and together we will be brave and strong

Jane