School Anxiety

So my youngest is only just starting nursery and I am already stressed about school for him.

A school with a hearing impairment wing
Mainstream school
A school for deaf children
Even possibly a school for autism

Eli is his own entity. He isn't a black and white case. He has a lot if people stumped. He is bloody clever and gets across what he wants in his own way. But communicating with speech or sign language has a barrier of some kind there. It's more then just his deafness. We know with his cochlear implants he is hearing and understanding what we are saying. He understands the words yes and no. But more then that he understands the tones in which they are spoken.
He mimics body movement he bloody loves it. It's one of his favorite games. But doesn't mimic words.
He will mimic sign but doesn't use it as a way to communicate

So the idea of my 4 year old possibly not talking and starting school is scary. We have to make decisions soon based on where he is currently at but not knowing where he might be at. You see a year is a long time and a lot can change. But we don't know what them changes might be. Whether he will work through the barrier and speech come along. Or we find a reason for the barrier. The word autism has been mentioned to us a few times not but Eli doesn't present the "typical" signs for autism at the same time. For example his eye contact can be amazing. He will cuddle someone to say sorry for hurting them once he realises there sad. Both not textbook autism signs. But in the other hand he will be all consumed in a task and not acknowledge anyone else is in the room. He will hurt himself when frustrated, he will sensory seel with water, his blanket and big deep cuddles. Because we have a lot unknown how am I suppose to decide where is best when so much is unknown already.

I think writing here is going to be my jumbled thoughts but is going to be a. Great way to get it all out. There isn't going to be great endings or elegant writing. Theres going to be messy ramblings of a mama.

So tomorrow my deaf toddler starts nursery

So tomorrow my youngest baby starts nursery. Now he isn't really a baby. He is 2.5 years old but he is my smallest baby and I'm not ready for this.

Eli was born profoundly deaf. His speech is behind peers his age. He uses limited sign language not because we haven't tried but he doesn't want to use it. Although he does love seeing sign language used.

I worry that he won't be able to get across what he wants and either go without or get cross because he has been misunderstood. I know what he wants. We communicate in a way that words arent needed. I know mostly what he wants when he asks. He gestures. He takes me to what he is asking for. That works at home his big brother is at school and my attention can all be on him. That's not going to be the case with nursery. He will have to learn to wait his turn. To have patience. To maybe communicate in a different way. Now these are all positive things but will be a change to him.

There is a part of me excited. Excited to see how my baby grows. Excited for the possibility that his speech will expand. Excited by the thought of him making friends. But I'm a mum and a mum who suffers from anxiety so I over analyse any situation.

Eli is attending a mainstream nursery. They are not specialised in deaf children and don't know much about deafness. I didn't know much about deafness prior to Eli and honestly we are learning with Eli as we go. I worry that other children will find his excited squels to loud and wont play with him (this has happened at play groups) I worry that Eli will hit out and hurt another child when frustrated. I worry that he will feel isolated being the only person in the room who has cochlear implants on. I worry about leaving Eli and trusting someone else to care for his needs. So far he hasn't been left a lot and has been left with close family only. And even then I need regular updates. I need to know my children are happy. My eldest could tell me this. He could tell me where a bruise had come from. He could tell me he was happy and about his day. Eli isn't there yet and I have to put my faith in someone else to tell me these things.

I know Eli will enjoy it and that this is the right place in my heart but that doesn't stop the worry.

Tomorrow Eli enters a new world a new stage and mummy will plaster a smile on her face and together we will be brave and strong

Jane

Breast clinic

So I debated posting the blog post and be appointment was a little while ago buy everytime I have a shower the first thing I do is check my lump to make sure it's still there and not changed.

On the day I wore an outfit that made me feel fabulous even though I was stupidly over dressed but it was like a armour. I dropped the kids with the in laws and then me and Luke went to our local hospital.

We were both so nervous that talking to each other was hard and forced. When we got to the hospital we met the dr. I wish I rembered his name because it was something along the lines of Dr Copafeel it made me giggle because that's what he was about to do.

I go in sit down and he asks about the lump and the bumps on my nipples. He asked about my periods and then commented on my weight. This got my back up because I wasn't there about my weight.

I laid on a table took my dress off and he looked at my nipples commented that it could be blocked sweat glands and was about to leave until I commented about the lump. This is what I was worried about since the dr found it. He was very nonchalant about it. To him he may see different lumps all day long but to me this was personal and honestly fucking scary. He felt the lump said he thought it was fatty tissue but best to have a scan on it. He said they don't do mamagrams on people my age.

We walk to the department where Ican have my scan done. Because ladies have to take there tops off and sit in a hospital gown Luke wasn't allowed to wait with me. I went to the changing room took my dress off and putthe gown on and waited in the waiting room. The room was empty and I sat there alone in silence scared for 15 minutes. This doesn't sound like a long time but when all you have is scared thoughts it honestly felt like forever. I think because of my age the whole situation felt like a nuisance to them. I love the NHS and am so thankful for it but do feel like this could be better managed somehow. I digress though.

A nurse called me in and they scan my breast with the lump. The worst bit here is in the beginning she never even scammed where my lump was. Again I had to say where my local GP had found the lump for them to scan over that area. She commented that there was nothing there to wipe the gel off and get changed again in the changing room. The scan took no longer then 2 minutes. The whole process felt so very scary to me and lonely. I am so bloody lucky that it was nothing but I came away feeling really numb and honestly not reassured.

We are told to check are breasts to report any changes and I have done this to then be shrugged off. I feel like they could of used this time to educate on what to look out for. What to do if the lump changes. What's a normal change.

I worried from my first appointment I was wasting my GPs time and then was honestly made to feel that way at the hospital.

Regardless of my experience if you do notice any change in your breasts please see the dr. Or may be rare to get breast cancer before 50 but it does happen and should be treated more seriously.

Thanks for reading,

Jane

My safe space

So last night for the first time in a long time I had a big panic attack.
I didn't feel anxious before bed was organising family pictures on the laptop and watching Netflix (I am pretty rock and follow that) got into bed closed my eyes and it hit me. It hit me hard.

People who have anxiety/depression/panic attacks all have there own triggers and get affected differently.

My big trigger always has been someone breaking into my home. I was frozen. Convinced someone had got into the flat. I couldn't close my eyes. Just envisioned someone standing over me that it took my breath away.

I was crying where my body felt so scared. In the end I had to wake my husband up and get him to check every room in the flat and lock every window. Even then I couldn't settle. We both ended up in the front room watching Gilmore girls whilst I tried to settle my nerves.

Repeating to myself that this will pass and it did. Mase waking up and needing his mummy also gave me something else to concentrate on. I think my body and mind are both stressed out and that's what brought it on.

My husband doesn't understand panic attacks but he didn't need to he understood that in that moment I needed him and no matter how crazy it felt to him it was very real to me. He woke up very tired for the office today. He really is my safe place. No one on this planet can make my blood boil more then him but no one else can make me feel safer either.

So many people have panic attacks/depression/anxiety but it isn't spoken about. It's a taboo subject still. Please know you're not alone and like all stages it will pass. There is a light at the end of every tunnel.

Night before breast clinic

So it's June 5th. The night before I have to go to the breast clinic for them to check the lump.

I went to the Drs on Thursday 31st May and had a letter on Saturday with the date. The turn around has been amazing. The Dr told me I would be seen in 2 weeks. I never thought it would be this quick. I am thankful for a quick turn around. Less time for my mind to go into overdrive.

I am scared for tomorrow I'm not going to lie. 90% of me really believes that it's nothing. Maybe a cyst or fatty tissue. But then there is that 10% that is gearing myself up for bad news. That small part of my brain that is running wild. After speaking to my mum I found out that practically every female in my family older then me has had breast cancer and all at a young age. The amazing thing is they all kicked cancers butt. I never knew this at the time so didn't mention it to the Dr.

Since Thursday I have felt my boobs so much. I couldn't feel the lump that the Dr did. On Monday I think I found it. I can feel a lump at the top of my left breast but only when standing straight. I'm not sure if this is the lump that the Dr found but will find out Wednesday.

I don't know exactly what tests they are doing. I have googled and there are a few different tests they can do. The main one being a mammogram. This is meant to be a little uncomfortable. I'm telling myself I've had 2 natural labours I can do a couple of seconds of uncomfortableness.

I don't think I get any results Wednesday so will be another wait. Hopefully the results come back as quickly as the actual check.

Will check back in once I know more

Jane
XxX

When the Dr finds a lump and you're only 30

So I have been getting breast aches. Like when you're first pregnant or before you come on a period. Thought nothing of it as it's not uncommon.

I then was getting shooting pains in my left breast. I checked and my nipple looked different. Had what I can only describe as a lumpy rash.
I made a mental note to go to the doctors on my to do list.

I'm only 30 so not expecting it to be anything ominous. I had a feel around and couldn't feel any obvious lumps.
I carried on and was still getting shooting pains through my nipple.
I called my doctors and managed to get an appointment for that day.

The doctor had a feel around and felt a lump in my left breast. Reassuring me she doesn't think it's anything but is referring me to the breast clinic. This is the norm for any new lumps. She thinks my nipple could be mastitis. I never knew that you could get it when not breastfeeding.  I don't have a temperature and my boobs don't feel hot to touch so I'm not convinced it is that.

Since my appointment I have felt my breast about 30 times and can not feel a lump. But if I am honest I really don't know what I am looking for.

Of course you hear that you are being referred you think of the worst and play out all of the scenarios in your head.

I am now waiting for an appointment at the breast clinic and hopefully be told it's nothing.

Thanks for reading
Jane

Trying for a baby

Both of our boys were very much planned.
Mase took us a long time to fall pregnant with. Before we had him. We had two miscarriages before we fell pregnant with Mason.

When you are actively trying for a baby it consumes you. It's all you can think about. Every baby you see makes your heart hurt. Every time someone you love announces a pregnancy you are so happy for them but so sad for yourself. You always question why is it so hard for me to fall pregnant. You hate your body for letting you down so much.

I would track my cycles. Pounce on my husband when I was ovulating and then spend the next 2 weeks symptom spotting. I was on babycentre pretty much daily with all the other lovely ladies in my situation and speak to them. I would start taking pregnancy tests from about 8 dpo (days past ovulation) weirdly the only time I have been scared to take a pregnancy test has been when I am actually pregnant. Like my mind already knew our lives were about to change.
It was exhausting mentally. Luke hadn't talking about babies. 1) it was all I wanted to talk about and 2) it would make me sad.

I don't have a obsessive personality as such. But when I really want something then it consumes me. It's all I can think about. Especially situations that I can't control and falling pregnant is very much out of your control.

We tried on and off for 5 years for Mason. Stopping for breaks when it all became to much.
With Eli we were lucky and it only took us 6 months.

Looking back I think it happened when the time was right. I hated that saying. People would say that to me when we were trying. They were trying to be reassuring but honestly it's a kick in the teeth. I think if I could go back in time and tell myself that I still wouldn't of believed me and it still would of consumed me.

We are very lucky to have both the boys and there were so many times I honestly thought it wouldn't happen for us. We could never of afforded IVF and I don't think adoption is a path Luke could of taken. I would of loved to of adopted but know it's not easy and not something everyone can do.

For anyone trying for a baby I know how hard it is. Know you are not alone even though it feels that way at times.